What Teenagers Do in Basements
by Lizzy Rebel
Summary: [HaruElie, humor fluff, heavy T rating] Haru must defend his…er… masculinity [oneshot]


**Disclaimer:** bite me

**Warning:** heavy on the innuendo. Thou hast been warnedeth. Or something…

**Important note:** Lizzy Rebel does not support underage sex. It just makes a good story

**What Teenagers Do in Basements**

"I can't believe you locked us in here."

Haru Glory, bent over the door and consumed with the task of unlocking a thick, steel door with a hairpin—honestly, why did it sound so much easier than it actually was?—took the time to look up from his tedious work—_all doors should burn in the ninth level of hell_—to glare at the woman who had spoken those words.

"Hey! How was I supposed to know that it locked from the outside?" He grunted in what was pure frustration only teenagers ever seemed to feel and turned back to his work. _There, now she'll just shut up for a little while so I can—_

"Well, the whole lock not being on this side of the door should have been you're first clue," she replied smartly, crossing her arms over her chest.

_Goddamnit!_ Haru thought and decided he could not work under these conditions. He threw the hairpin down to the ground in disgust and intense hatred and turned to continue his glaring at the woman behind him. _At least it's something to do until someone opens this stupid, stupid door!_

"I don't see you doing anything productive," he shot back at her. "All you do is sit there and complain and nag. If you want out, help or shut up!"

"You are such child," she retorted.

"I am not a child!" he cried and stuck his tongue out, for good measure you understand. _Can't let her think I'm a child so I'll just… stick my tongue out… at her… damnit. I am such a child._

"Really? I couldn't tell," she said in a sarcastic voice, biting on the inside of her cheek. She did a one-eighty to examine the room. High, gray walls with no windows. The room was more icebox than basement. And it was _cold_.

"Shut up, Elie!" Haru cried, flapping his arms in the air like madman. Pretty soon, the title was going to fit him. _God is punishing me. That must be it. What the hell did I do? Couldn't He have just strike me dead with a lightning bolt or something? That sounds pretty good right now._

That pretty, cute-girl face broke into a wide smile as Elie turned to face him and lean in at her hips. "Well… well… well… is Haru just a tiny bit annoyed?" She arched her back, her body strung like a bow, and flipped her chocolaty brown hair off her shoulders.

"A tiny bit… yeah, sure," Haru muttered and looked away. He so was _not_ noticing the way her breasts pushed up against her white and pink tank top. Nope, no way. He was not interested in Elie that way. She was too annoying, too loud, too… too…

_She is really, really hot._

Alright, let's face the facts. One, Haru Glory was sixteen and two, Elie was only woman he had been around in a really… really… really… _really_… long time. Like forever. Or close enough to forever that even loud-mouth, crazy Elie was looking like a very tasty morsel of the opposite sex. Either that or Haru was going crazy. Personally, Haru was leaning towards crazy seeing as how he was thinking about women like they were food… and not women… get it? Yeah.

Funny thing was, he hadn't really cared much for girls back on his island. No, no. He had never once dug guys—ew, that was just… ew—but living with a woman—that unspeakable week where saying hi could get you _killed_—put him off to the whole date-and-make out with hot chicks thing.

Damn, Elie's legs looked nice sticking out of that pink skirt. Nice and long and tanned, shaped like they were just _made_ to wrap around a man's waist.

_Dirty thoughts! This is Elie. You know, crazy psycho-bitch? She'd probably knee you in the groin right now if she knew you were thinking about her legs. You like your groin don't you, Glory? Hell yeah you do! Just keep your mind from the gutter._

Why did the voice in his head sound like Griffin? That was just wrong… and creepy.

"What exactly is this medieval torture device you've trapped us in?" Elie demanded as her teeth chattered noisily against one another—very annoying, if you asked Haru… not that anyone did seeing as how the only person who could ask didn't really give a damn—as she rubbed at her arms.

Instead of snapping at her semi-sorta-insult, Haru glanced around at the bland, dull room they were currently entrapped in. "I dunno. Basement?" It seemed like a basement, smelled like a basement—a musky smell that hinted at years and years of no mortal ever stepping foot into it.

"A basement?" Elie gave him a look of pure, unadulterated disbelief. "Are you sure it isn't an icebox? It is _so_ cold."

"Fine. A basement icebox thingy place," Haru answered, not having the willpower to argue. "We both win."

"Oh God," Elie said mournfully, biting her lip and exhaling. "The cold has frozen your brain!" She looked at him in pure, puppy-dog pity. You know, that big doe-eyed look tiny puppies give you after they chewed up your favorite shoe. _Don't be mad at me, okay? I'm just too gosh-darned cute!_

It was cold, Haru had to agree. But he wasn't nearly as cold as Elie was. He was wearing his cool-ass jacket, the black one with the silver crosses on the sleeves. Oh, and of course he had _jeans_ on. Long, moderately tight jeans. The white shirt under the jacket was pretty warm, too. Surprising, considering that it was no more than a muscle shirt.

But poor, poor Elie—Haru resisted the urge to snicker;_ poor, poor Elie_—was wearing her miniskirt and tank top. She wore nothing else except her shoes. She was freezing and Haru—being trapped in a freezing basement made him a spiteful man; go figure—was enjoying it.

Until, of course, she turned and face him, arms shifting away from her breasts. Haru had been transfixed with them for weeks. Ever since his hormones had decided to go into extreme-hyper-active-mood Elie's breasts had been an object of his daydreams. Of course that was for him to know and Elie to never, _ever_ find out.

So now matters got worse, a whole freaking ton worse. Elie was cold, really cold. You know what that meant. It meant her breasts did that thing… where he could see… er… you know. Haru flushed, but Elie didn't see to notice. _Thank God. Wait no, I'm still angry at Him._

Grumbling under his breath, he stripped off his jacket and tossed it at her. Elie's big, brown doe eyes widened moments before disappearing under the black of his jacket. Not a good catch, that Elie. Or maybe she was just too cold to do much in the way of catching. One or the other.

"Put it on and stop complaining," Haru grunted as Elie yanked the jacket off her head, brown hair mused and sexy. She looked she had just taken a tumble in a bed and was more than willing to take another.

_Oh… this just keeps on getting better and better._

"Are you sure this doesn't have some kind of deadly disease?" Elie asked as she held the jacket out at arm length. She raised an eyebrow at it.

"I do something nice for the girl and she asks if I have a disease. I bet she thinks I'll give her smallpox or something," Haru muttered as he glared at her. "It's a stupid jacket because you're stupid and cold."

"I was just kidding," Elie replied with her lopsided smile. She tugged on the jacket and was immediately lost in the big thing. Well, it wasn't really big but neither was Elie so it looked big on her.

"Someone up there must really, really _hate me_," Haru growled as he slumped against the wall and slid to the floor. "They don't even _dislike_ me. If they just disliked me they would have killed me. No, I'm stuck with you."

"Baby…" Elie growled as she settled down next to him. She was still shivering. Sure, her cold-arms-problem was solved but what about her legs? "I don't want to be down here with _you_ either."

"I hear that," Haru growled and turned his head to glare at her.

"You are so annoying!" Whatever peace they had hoped to have was quickly destroyed as they glared at each other. "So god_damn_ annoying!"

"I'm annoying? Do you ever hear yourself talk?" Haru shot back, quiet smugly, in fact. _Very good comeback. Kudos, Haru. Ew… did I just say kudos?_ Now he knew he was spending too much time around Elie. He momentarily considered hitting his head against the wall, but decided it wasn't likely he was going to go unconscious. Knowing his luck recently, he'd just end up having a headache and still have to listen to Elie complain.

Elie had no smart comeback. She was much too angry to think one up. Instead, she groped around, reaching for her guns. Haru jumped up, groping for his own Rave sword. He got nothing. _What? Oh yeah, left in the room… damn… damn… damn…_

The girl seemed to have the same thought as him for her face paled in anger and frustration. "I left my guns in my room. You are _so_ lucky about that!"

"I'm so scared," Haru shot back, even if he was. A tiny bit. Just a tiny bit. That was all his male ego would allow. Haru considered being having his body riddled with bullet holes would be the _perfect_ way to end this day.

_Yeah, that or having my spleen carved out with a dull knife…_ that wasn't a pretty thought either.

"That's it. Guns or no! You're going down!" Elie snapped and leapt to her feet.

Haru jerked his chin out in a haughty, you-can't-scare-because-I'm-a-man-hear-me-roar kind of way. "Try it," he returned.

She lunged at him, he caught her. They were screaming like banshees at each other. Yanking at hair—that was Elie—and pinching skin—that, too, was Elie—and biting—that was Elie again. Hey! Wasn't he going to get in any hits?

They were busy trying to kill each other. Or, Elie was busy trying kill him and Haru was busy trying to stay alive… and not grab her ass in the process. Could he help it if it was the perfect leverage? Could he help it that it was round and well-shaped and tight? Of course not; he just wasn't complaining about it.

So when had they started making out? Like really making out? Big, French, swapping spit making out? Haru wasn't sure, but suddenly his hands _were_ on Elie's ass and she wasn't complaining because her mouth was much too busy being fastened against his.

Her mouth was a sweet, intoxicating ride. A mixture of spices and sugars. Tang and milk. Or something to that effect. Haru really didn't have time to consider it since his mind was too busy being overtaken by raging hormones and his hands were busy feeling up her ass—_very good ass, Elie, running from evil people bent on killing us has done you some good._

Then the trance was broken and they were jumping away from each other, like they had been electrocuted. Maybe they had been. There certainly was this zing in his veins. It felt like someone had stabbed him with a rod of electricity.

"You kissed me!" Elie screeched angrily, glaring at him as if he had just insulted her mother. "I can't believe you just kissed me! You pervert!"

"Jesus f-ing," Haru began and cut himself off. "I kissed _you_? You were the one that had your mouth all over mine!" Not that he didn't like it. Not that Haru was admitting that. There were some things you didn't talk about. Especially if they involved hormones, breasts, and/or sex. Haru was an all-or-nothing kind of guy so all three applied to him. Best thing to do was shut up.

Elie wasn't having it. "What? You kissed me first! I was just reacting in my own defense!" It sounded lame, even to Haru who was usually oblivious to all things feminine.

"Yeah, reacted with your _tongue_!"

"Don't you ever touch me again," Elie snapped as if he hadn't spoken. "You stay on that side of the icebox and I'll stay on mine." She drew an invisible line in the air with her finger, giving Haru the smaller side. The bitch.

"Fine. And it's a basement." He stomped over to his side of the _basement_. Then he watched as Elie took her seat. Then it dawned on him. "You have my jacket. Goddamnit." All of that unfair, unjust things…

So they sat there on their sides of the icebox/basement/thing. Elie was doing something with her nails while Haru counted… stuff. Stuff like the darker gray spots on the wall—there were six thousand nine hundred and eight two of them—and lighter gray spots on the wall—nine thousand two hundred and twelve—until his mind was practically bursting with boredom.

Then he noticed something. They were both closer to each other than they had been. The imaginary air-line was the only thing separating them. "Hey," he complained instantly, opening his mouth without thinking about it. "You're moving onto my side!"

Elie glared at him. "I am not! You're on mine!"

"Am not!"

"Are, too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Yeah… well… well… I'm cold!" Haru lamely protested as he crossed his arms and glared at the door blocking sweet freedom. The door was Satan. That was just it. The door was the antichrist. "And you've got my jacket. Because I'm a nice guy."

"Okay, sure, nice guy," Elie snorted in obvious disbelief. "Whatever you say. I'll remind you of that next time you're shoving your tongue down my throat."

"Hey. That wasn't my tongue. That was yours!"

"I was shoving my tongue down my throat?"

"No, you were shoving it down my throat!"

"You liked it, you pervert," Elie shot at him and Haru shut up. Well, she _was_ right. "You were… with your hands and… with my ass… and… and…! You know what you were doing, you sick bastard."

"I haven't been around women for a really long time," Haru protested instantly. He was still not looking at her. That… that… evil woman! _All women are evil creatures! They just wanted to screw with good men's minds!_

"Oh? You like women?" Elie sounded surprised, but her grin suggested she was just teasing.

Still, it was a shot at his fragile male-ego and even if she didn't believe it, his back stiffened. _I'm a man's man. I manly man man!_ "Of course I like women! I love women. I like breasts! I can't get enough of them. I worship the breasts. Why on… what would make you think that I didn't like breasts?"

"Well, you are sporting that Metro look of yours," she laughed and tugged at his shirt, scooting closer to him without thinking about the whole you-on-your-side rule. "And you pull it off nicely."

"A guy has silver hair," he grumbled, pushing at his platinum blonde looks. "And everyone assumes he likes… likes _guys_!"

Elie giggled. "Well don't you? Like guys, I mean?"

"No!" Haru shouted. _Jesus Christ on a cross, I like women!_ Elie was still laughing at him. "Here, I'll show you."

Then he grabbed her, settled her into his lap, and proceeded to kiss the living daylights out of her. Really kiss her. He nibbled and bit and used his tongue until Elie was trembling quite forcefully against him.

All that forceful shivering had strange effects on Haru's nether regions, if you got the drift. Elie knew it too because she gave a gasp against his mouth and then wiggled her hips just to bug him. The little witch.

"Okay… okay… I get it, you like breasts," Elie laughed but the laughter quickly choked in her throat as Haru sent to really prove to her how much he liked breasts. He started by pulling his jacket off her shoulders. "Haru… I get it now."

"Yeah, I know." He grinned and looked up at her. He had settled her on his lap so that she was above him, breasts just under his chin. "Want me to stop?"

"Ah… n—no… not if you don't wa—want to."

"Good. Who likes guys now?" he asked and tugged her shirt of. That wasn't hard, considering it was hardly a shirt to begin with. Elie tugged at his shirt and it caused some problems, especially when it went over his head. _Note to self, buy looser shirts._

And Haru decided that being locked in a basement with Elie wasn't such a bad idea. Especially if he got to do… that thing without the clothes… where two people—preferably a man and a woman—did… you know.

Alright, alright. Another face the facts moment. Haru had no problem with… with _it_—what he and Elie were doing—but talking about it was a different thing. Haru had always had problems talking about… _it_. You would too if your whole knowledge of _it_ was based on what your sister had told you. Your sister. You're a guy. Not cool.

_"Haru, it's time I told you about the birds and the bees. You see… it's where babies come from. Where you and I come from…"_

Yeah, he had been put off to thinking about… about… _damnit_… sex—there he said it; leave him alone!—ever since that fateful day when he was fourteen. Who tells their brother about sex and then goes and says:_ and that's how you were born!_ After that, you pretty much don't want to think about it. He didn't like thinking about… sex. But apparently he liked doing it. Or maybe Elie made it good, what with her womanly attributes and the like.

Some time later, Haru and Elie lay together, sweaty bodies locked with one another. Elie was curled at his side, nestled into the crock of his arm, and Haru had a leg wrapped around her waist and an arm thrown over her breasts. Absently he nuzzled her neck, licking at the little red mark he had given her.

_This is great. I could get used to this. I love being straight…_

"I'm not cold anymore," Elie mumbled sleepily as she kissed the muscles on the side of his chest. "Hmm… warm… very warm."

"Let me know if you get cold again. I'll see what I can do." He smiled and looked at the ceiling. _Need sexual banter. Think of something, man. You're reputation is on the line and you've just started one!_ "Ah… er… ah… why were we arguing again?" That was it. He was banging his head against the wall next chance he got.

_Way to go, champ. Ten points._

"Because I thought you… you know… played on the _other_ side of the playground." Elie giggled and then went on, "I'm rethinking that right now."

"Oh… okay… I'll help you along with it," Haru answered and rolled over so she was pinned beneath him. "I'll pay more attention to your legs now. Since, while I like breasts very much, legs are good, too."

"Well…" Elie said and gave a long-suffering sigh. "If you _must_…"

But before Haru could say he had to—oh, he had to—there was a weird sound coming from the door. That evil, satanic door. The sound of it opening. After all, it wasn't locked if you opened it from the outside. Which meant someone was opening it… which meant… _freedom_!

Haru and Elie started for the door, but then stopped when they both realized a very important fact. They were naked, very naked. And their clothes were too far away for them to make a dive for them, a heap of clothes thrown into a corner. Alright, there was one bad thing about sex.

The door opened and Haru and Elie glanced at each other. Should they hide? Cover each other? Well, they didn't decide in time. Not they could anyway in two seconds it took for the door to swing open.

It was Musica. He stood there at the threshold of the door perfectly calm as he took in the scene. Perfectly calm, that was, until his eyes feel on a very naked Haru Glory and Elie. He took in Elie's nakedness with a pale face and then he looked over at Haru and…

His hand shot out and clamped over his eyes. "Sweet Mother of God! _Burns_! It _burns_! It's scorched into my retinas for_ever_! I'll never be clean again!" He wheeled around and made a dive for the door.

"Musica don't—" Haru began, but it was already too late. The door slid shut and that deadly _click_ told him that it was locked… _again_. "Bastard."

After having himself a long, good glare at that damned door he turned and looked over at Elie. _I think I'm in love…_ he thought as he watched her stand, naked and everything, to cross her arms over her chest.

Then she was glaring at him. Haru _knew_ that wasn't a good sign. "I can't believe you locked us in here," she snapped and apparently had forgotten about the whole mind-numbing sex thing.

As she strode over to pick up her discarded clothes, Haru gave a long-suffering groan. He dropped to the floor, head pressed into hard, cold ground. He bit his lips in pure frustration. Sex is bad.

_I hate all women._

**Finis**

**Word Count:** 3393

**Time:** one hour

**Beta:** boy, you guys are freaking-a riots

**Couples:** Haru/Elie

**Genre:** romance/humor

**Status:** one-shot (complete)

**Author:** Lizzy Rebel

**Characters/style:** Haru/Elie humor/fluff piece

**Author's Notes:** I never imagined _The Causes and Effects of Boredom_ would be so popular. Hell, you guys me think that I had—dare I say it?—humor! So I wrote this. It has no place in the series and Haru might be a tiny bit OOC (I hope not) but I'm pretty sure I nailed Elie down… hopefully… maybe… damn, losing confidence. Anyway, I was going to make this a lemon but decided against it. Haven't written a lemon yet. Working on that.

One more thing. Musica is my bitch. And I love him.

Scratch that. Two more things. Go read my other stories. Do it. You know you want to.

Never mind, three more things. I… am a review whore. Sate my lust.


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